If you have followed any of my blogs, you know that my limitations are often overwhelming.
(Brief summary for the 'newbies' to the blog: 3 years ago I suddenly became ill. I lived a very active life, was in the best shape of my adult life, and was living my 'dream'. After a steady decline of about a year, I was left completely disabled. My heart could no longer keep up with the demands to keep my body postural. I am now forced to remain in a reclined position at all times no matter if I'm in the car, my wheelchair, or on the sofa. I have to keep my legs and heart at the same level to prevent passing out. I can walk around the house anywhere from 90 seconds to 3-8 minutes depending on any given day. I cannot drive, attend most functions, fly, cook, or any activity that requires you to sit in a normal position. I recently took my obtrusive, reclining wheelchair to a restaurant for the first time in over 1.5 yrs. Getting dressed and groomed, showering, cutting an apple, throwing in a load of laundry, finding something in the fridge, or helping a child get breakfast together are all BLESSINGS for me each day if I'm granted the ability to stand long enough to complete them alone!)
To say that I have some limitations in life would be an understatement. My limitations are great...and some days they can overtake me. I long for the days that I could get in the car and have freedom and independence. I loathe the moments I have to ask for help, depend on help, or need help of others for my own basic needs. I struggle immensely with being at the mercy of others to provide rides for myself or for my children. I guess unless you have been in a similar position, you couldn't quite fathom how intensely difficult it is for a grown woman to have to depend on so many around her for the simplest of tasks. The responsibilities of being a young wife and mother have not allowed me the fluency in transition of becoming disabled as the elderly population may have.
Most days I embrace my life as it is. I work within my perimeters, I persevere within my limits, and I endure the hand I was dealt. But not everyday is a 'bed of roses'. There can be days when its just not enough. I have recently been flooded with the vastness of my limitations due to an ever-present longing to be engaged and involved more and more. To use the word 'frustration' would only minimize how I have been feeling lately. The spring smells, sights, and sounds are fuel for the soul, yet produce a yearning inside of me to be active. The words: "if only; just five more minutes; if I could just; what about this one task" and so many more seem to be my new catch phrases.
I employed my family with the task of cleaning out snow accessories in exchange of fresh spring jackets, umbrellas, and rain gear. It was obvious within moments the family was lost and were not going to get an advance on their allowance :) I sat in my cursed, reclined position to begin the efficiency directing. In just a few short minutes, the room began to grow blurry, my words became slurred, and my heart has pounding. I safely made it to the floor in time (as I do most days). I could share story after story just like this one. There are the days that I just have to spend that extra 45 seconds to find my own item in the pantry, or the times I try to talk when I cannot breath well, or about the days I have to put that load of laundry from the washer to the dryer, the extra minute I spent to brush out my hair or floss my teeth, or possibly just sitting with my legs down just a touch too low, or just today when I wanted to put the jelly on my son's toast. And then....I PAY dearly for those extra moments. It could be anything from a hard fall to the floor in a loss of consciousness, 2 hours to regain my breathing and dizziness, or even such pain that I just have to lie in the bed for hours to even be able to lift my head off of the pillow. And it was all just to have an extra minute or 2 of 'life'. Yes, I can say the word 'frustrated' doesn't quite crack that shell.
So where does the silver lining or the choosing joy fit into this? Some days, it just doesn't fit! Some days are just going to be a disappointment. However, recently, I've had to remind myself over and over and over again that there are still many things I can do! It wasn't just 4 months ago that I was fighting for my very life, and now I've been given hope that I could be around for quite awhile! When I want to throw the vase against the wall in frustration, I have to remember that I am still beyond BLESSED as a woman who got to learn to live life from the bed. Life was never promised to be a bed of roses. When I cry out to anyone who will listen: "I just want to live a normal life!", am I forgetting all the things I've been given and learned in this journey? I can tell you that honestly, 9 out of 10 times, I am not interested in living this type of life just for the lessons learned. But I have no doubt there will be a joy that comes in the morning, because I chose to not give in or give up when the limitations overtook me! I think of my middle son who has worked very hard on some of his musical hobbies in the last 2 years that has caused him to have to sit out or give up some other pleasures in life to keep his eye on the prize. His joy is going to come when he reaps his reward in the end. He will find JOY in the fact that he didn't give up when it got tough or when a better offer came along. While he has a choice, there is still going to be a heavy sense of satisfaction and joy that he stayed the course.
I'm a FIRM believer in renewing my mind. I have tried, tested, and found that JOY IS A CHOICE. I'm not a super hero.....I don't have some magic potion of joy....and I certainly don't have all the answers. What I do know, is that I have a choice each and every morning on how I will focus my thoughts and what I will choose to meditate on today. If I meditated on my limitations (just by you only hearing a small sample of them) I would literally fall apart. I wouldn't be able to get out of the bed each day. The mind is a powerful thing. We were given the ability to control our thoughts and our emotions. I've learned so much about this in the last year and half. And I know, without a doubt, that even in the face of IMMENSE LIMITATION, joy is still a choice! So, while I'm not able to do very much today or anyway, I want, need, and will CHOOSE JOY! Are you choosing joy today, too?
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