"In such a time as this".... (pretty heavy thoughts)

As I lay in yet another hospital bed connected to more heart monitors, iv's, oxygen, and blood pressure cuffs, I cried silently through the pain "Where is my God"?  I had had enough.  The pain was more than I was willing to bear any longer.  The anguish of constant nausea and vomiting for weeks and sudden swings in my heart rates and blood pressures had taken their physical and mental toll on my weak, weak body.  14 lbs thinner in just 2 short weeks, a weakened heart, and pain beyond my belief had all made me feel that I had been forsaken.

I imagine that no matter what your belief systems are, there has a been a time that you have prayed or asked 'is there a God who cares about me?'.  I have PURPOSEFULLY not shared much at all about my faith and have left out most religious overtones.  I want this blog to be a place where anyone can feel at home and uplifted without my own personal views being stuffed down your throat.  I don't want 'Melanie' to get in the way of an opportunity for someone to receive encouragement because of a bad experience with religion.  I also FIRMLY believe that it's not WHAT you say but how you LIVE that speaks louder than any words.  I don't have to bombard anyone with my own views.  So, I will promise to keep this a place where ALL are welcome.   All views, religions, beliefs, politics, opinions, and hearts can relate to my story in some way in their own worlds.  However, for this one post, I will need to talk some about my faith because without it, this story would not be able to be told.

For the purpose of this one narrative, I feel I have to share one of my heart's cries during the last few years.  It's a very vulnerable and real moment I want to share with you, that I'm sure the vast majority have at some point, experienced.  You may have experienced your darkest day very differently than I did.........maybe you lost a loved one, had someone break your heart, maybe it was a shattered dream, it could have been a sick child, lost faith in people, maybe you were rejected for a job or opportunity, maybe you had lost your way and were not sure how to get back, possibly it was a failure you weren't sure you could correct, infertility, depression, divorce, an accident, a frightening diagnosis, or something beyond imagination.  There is something so awful about that dark day....you probably felt all alone.  If you are like me, you may have thought no one could possibly relate to the pain you were feeling.  I know in that moment, I felt I could not 'do this' anymore!  It was in those moments that I began to even question my deepest and most meaningful beliefs.  How could a good God let me suffer to this extent?

Isn't this a question for the ages?  Haven't we all asked this before...both Christians and non-Christians?   How does a good God who could take away all pain allow his children to experience such pain?  I don't think we will ever have the answer to this question.  My family even recently viewed Kirk Cameron's documentary on this very topic searching for answers about pain and suffering but were left still asking the very question that led us to watch.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  I've personally been given a repertoire of responses to that question from many well-meaning individuals, but none seem to satisfy me or my family.  If you could look into the eyes of my child, who cries each and every time his mother is whisked away by an ambulance, and tell him your list of 'reasons' why God is allowing his mom and him to suffer to this extent...I imagine you, too, may begin to question the very foundations of those beliefs.  That is one reason we were created as intelligent beings, isn't it?  We were designed by nature to question, to wonder, to ponder, to imagine, and to mold and evolve our beliefs.

I'm sure there are a select few who have already decided that they know what they believe, period....and nothing will ever cause them to move or waiver from it's sanctity.  Was I not one of those people?  Did I not have firm, concrete, unwavering beliefs that no man could ever sway?  No, no man could have ever changed my own beliefs.  However, my deepest, darkest days caused me to reevaluate all the things I had once known as fact.  Does that then make me a weaker version of my counterpart?  Or could it possibly have made me actually put my 'faith' in action?  Did I choose to not accept all things untried and untested as truth?  Can I now say with all certainty that I know EXACTLY what I believe and why?  Yes, I did have to reevaluate and eventually change some of my core beliefs because I was in the fire, and I got to see what it's really like when the heat is turned on.  It is so much easier to believe when you are not truly tested.  I could not look my precious children in the face and say the phrases I'd been so methodically taught.  They didn't apply anymore, they were not our truth.  We had a new truth, one we had tested....one we had lived....one we knew to be now true.  We do have a GOOD GOD!  He loves me and my family very, very much.  I see Him in a very different way than my ignorant eyes had seen before.  No, it's probably not going to be the same way that the mainstream has viewed religion, God, or Christianity, but it's going to be the way He's revealed himself to me in my darkest moments.

I began my post this time with the story of my heart's cry in some of my darkest hours.  If you have followed along, you may have a small glance into what those moments looked like for me.  I know those who saw me in those days leading up to this last scary event, can probably relate much better to the true pain and torment of those days.  However, I need to tell the other side of the story, too.  It's the side of the story that makes the story a not so 'sad' story.

You see, my husband and I had just been told by yet another Autonomic doctor that there was zero chance of a meaningful recovery.  I would have a chance to make improvements, but there is no chance  I will ever recover.  We knew this news already, but the sting was no less painful.  We glanced at each other and sat in silence for several minutes.  Just moments later, a dear sweet angel walked into my hospital room.  This angel was a friend I had not seen in about 22 years.  Out of the blue, this dear, sweet lady walked into the room and visited with us.  There were tears, stories, and hugs.  She had driven from another state to come and see me.  Was this timing a coincidence?  I had just cried out hours before wondering if I had been forgotten by my God....and in walks His servant.

The story doesn't even end there!  My sister in law, who lives in New Mexico, felt it in her heart to come and make meals and care for us while David was recovering from foot surgery.  She had no idea that I had just gotten off the phone with my mother asking her to come but she could not come for another week because of a prior commitment to a family member.  Was this also a coincidence?  What about the group of people that we have never even met that had it laid on their hearts to send my husband and I words of encouragement and cards in the mail? There was even a check sent to us by someone we have never met or spoken to for the exact amount of the hotel bill for my mother in law to take us to the Autonomic Clinic.  Was this, too, a coincidence?

Or could it be.....could it possibly be.....that the answer to our question:  "Why do bad things happen to good people?" is we have NO idea, but we are not alone in this battle.  I am not alone.  You are not alone.  If we look around hard enough, we will see that we were never all alone in this battle.  I can't give a good answer as to why or how that friend knew when to show up.  I'm sure depending on your 'religious or philosophical' views, you may have your own conclusions.  However, for me, in these last 2 weeks, I can say that it was 'in such a time as this'.  I was not forgotten or forsaken.  I firmly believe in a higher power that showed me that He loves me very, very much even in the midst of my immense suffering.  No matter how you believe, it is another reminder that when the walls are caving in, when the world looks deep and dark, when things appear to be unjust, when we've felt we can battle no longer, if we choose to look around or look up, our strength will come from someone or something.  I guess I could have hung my head and decided that no matter what silver linings were around me, I wasn't going to let go of the 'this isn't fair' card.  But I believe that my long term investing in 'choosing joy' in the face of adversity allowed me to see the blessings that God was laying out for me in the midst of my own pain. (even though I can 100% honestly tell you that I wasn't choosing joy in those days of immense adversity)  I just wonder how many times I've missed seeing those little acts of His love, because I couldn't lift up my head long enough to see them while relying on my own strength.  Again, if you don't believe in a deity as the origin of those strengths, joys, or silver linings, they are still there all around you waiting to be embraced.

Why do bad things happen to good people?  I still don't know!  I will wrestle with that question till I get the answer one day in heaven.  But what I do know is that when I was at my lowest....I was shown a great love in a tangible way  .....that I believe only One could have shown me 'in such a time as this'!