Back to baseline!

I try to put my thoughts into words at least once a week.  However, lately, I've fallen a little behind.  I'm finally back to my previous, physical baseline.

My days can be anywhere from an unexpected 5 minutes of blessed stand time to a quick change of intense nausea and dizziness and imminent falls.  There is something very discomforting about my normal baseline.  The swings can be as unpredictable as the weather.  My plans can be changed at the drop of a hat.  I can be laughing and talking one moment, and crying in pain the very next.  Those around me are quite used to the influx of change and have learned to roll with the punches.  I, however, find it quite difficult to deal with the uncertainty of it all.  

When you are used to feeling sick 24-7....you can at the very least expect to be sick.  There is a peace about knowing what you day holds.  When you feel well for a few days or weeks, there begins to be a new kind of peace of endless possibilities.  However, when the day can change as quickly as mine does, there never seems to be 'peace' for my mind.  I have to methodically renew my mind each and every day.  I found that out again this morning.  I got up as I normally do, just to find that today wasn't going to yield the same 'stand time' as the previous few days.  I wasn't expecting the sudden change and tried to foolishly overcome it.  After conceding defeat, I immediately began to feel angry and maybe even somewhat sorry for myself.  Who was going to heat up Ellie's breakfast today?  The 2 of us made a great team, but I wanted to secretly blame someone or something.  After all, it's not really fair that I cannot perform the task of a normal person.  Aren't I somehow entitled to have my own little pity party?

Ellie and I began school this morning with a Bible verse of her choosing.  She pulled it out and asked me to read it out loud for her.....paraphrasing, of course, "GIVE THANKS in all circumstances.............".  Huh?  Really?  Yes, give thanks in all circumstances.  Ellie wondered why mommy had big alligator tears streaming down her face.  It was easy for me to answer.  "I'm just giving thanks, today, Ellie.  I needed to be reminded that I'm the luckiest Mom in the world because I'm here and able to homeschool you."  Just a month ago, I wasn't sure I would even still be here, and today I am teaching my little, precious princess the joy of giving thanks in all things.  I became overwhelmed with thanksgiving.  What many of you may not realize is that I had prayed and prayed to get the opportunity to speak 'life' into this girl's life.  We both took turns saying all the things that 'sucked' but how and why we could still be thankful in those circumstances.  It was a funny and fun exercise, but one I needed today.  

No, today isn't my favorite day.  My body does hurt and is weaker today.  But I have so much to be thankful for today and everyday.  It's hard to give thanks in every situation.  It's all about choosing that JOY every day....not just when it's convenient.

It does take some reminders.....but it turns out, I'm one of the luckiest gals in the world.  I am still living my 'dream' even if it's not quite the exact vision I had imagined it would be.  I feel overwhelmed with joy that I get this chance....from my sofa....and from my bed.....to impart academic and life wisdom into my daughter.  Just when I thought my dreams were done.....I'm still teaching and mothering.  Isn't that worth giving thanks for today? What things are you forgetting to be thankful for?  Does your current circumstance muddy your vision?  Why don't we both take a big wet cloth and clean off the windshield.  Turns out, my rainbow is still there!  I just had to look for it.