What does 'HOPE' look like to you?

For the last 2 weeks, I HAD been mentally working on a deep, heart felt piece about 'What does regret look like'.  It was a turn on a dime kind of moment for me during my last hospital stay.  However, I need to post-pone that plan for now.........because I think I have to share something a little more powerful in my life today.

What does 'hope' look like?

If you've ever read a single one of my blog posts, you know that my 'hope' is one of my driving forces each and every day.  I still wake up surprised every morning that I am sick.  I still 'fly' in my dreams at night, I still plan for my 'future', and I often talk about the chance of some brilliant mind discovering the unknown cure for my incurable disease.  I haven't cleaned out my tennis skirt drawer, given away my sewing machines, or even sold my 'dress' clothes, yet.  I guess you could call that 'hope'.  No, I'm not naive to assume that all the doctors are incorrect, and that I will magically one day walk and sit as normal being.  But if I removed all 'hope' of any type of improvement, I am pretty sure the next time I faced 'death' it would NOT be with such fervor to fight.

However, knowing what probably lies in my future....even though the doctors have all been very noncommittal to the exact process or timing, I must search for that hope each and every day without fail.  But I'm finding more and more that the hope isn't at all in the potential chance of a meaningful, healthy life.  It turns out, HOPE, for me, is finding MEANING IN MY LIFE.

I'm not ready to write the story of my 'happily ever after', because the end of story is yet to be determined.  I'm also not ready to write the story of 'dang, my life really sucks', because amidst the stormy days, I'm still seeing so many rainbows.  But I'm very, very busy writing the stories of HOPE that have brought even more meaning to my life than I ever even knew possible.  Could there even be blessing after blessing coming my way that I would have never, ever received had I not been given the misfortune that has been cast upon me to bear?

My new HOPE is finding these beautiful meanings to life!  So, what does 'HOPE' look like to you?  I always thought it had to be a cure, a healing, a chance of survival, or a magic pill.  Does your 'hope' have to be the whole kit and caboodle for it be good enough for you?  Does it have to be all or nothing for you to call it true hope?  After all, the universal accepted definition of HOPE is:  "to look forward or to feel that something desirable may happen".  While my final outcome will most likely be nothing desirable, can I not still have a sense of looking forward to something or a belief and desire that something good will still happen?  I don't believe my only HOPE has to be in the ultimate cure, walking, sitting in a chair, living pain free, having my heart function normally, driving again, enjoying my abandoned hobbies, getting to cook or sew, being a 'normal' wife and mother, going out to eat or the movies, or even having my independence back.

Let me tell you what HOPE looks like to me:

My entire graduating class got together unbeknownst to me and made me a cherished gift (a photo afghan filled with pictures).  Not only did they all chip in, send pictures, plot and plan......but 4 of the classmates made a 14 hour trip through the night and snow to hand deliver it to me as a surprise!  They showed up on my doorstep with the gift in hand.  I probably will never find the right words to express what that meant to me.  I know after a few days, I'm still trying to fight back the tears of gratitude that seems to well up every time I think of their sacrifice.  Not only did I ever imagine they would show up after 22 years at my door, but I had no idea these people cared so much.  What did that translate to me?  After I put aside the true expression of love, selflessness, and friendship:  "It was hope".  There are still so many wonderful, amazing things that are worth fighting for....some I'm learning I didn't even know were a possibility.  This is what hope looked like to me!  I got to learn a lot about my old friends that day.  I got to see a new beauty in their friendships.  I got to hope that there are even more memories to be made and even stronger relationships to forge.

My mother recently came to our house and spent 2 solid weeks waiting on David and me.  Between crip 1 and crip 2 and 3 busy, busy children she had her hands quite full.  After laundry, cooking, serving, cleaning up, and running errands, she still managed to minister to me in special way and give me a few much needed pedis.  (as a former "girly-girl" this is paramount to me).  This was not only a lot of fun but showed 'love' in a tangible way.  Would this be the classic definition of hope?  Probably not to most.  However, if keeping with Webster, hope is believing something desirable may happen.  It doesn't have to be a big miracle, it might just be the little things.  Watching my mother minister to each of my family members in a different way, gave me hope of all the special ways our bonds will grow stronger and stronger each year.

I've recently received a few surprise letters and emails from old acquaintances and from some people I've never even met.  These notes were sent to me to let me know that I had touched their lives in some way, whether through this little blog, maybe a post on FB, hearing a story, or through another friend.  Wouldn't that look a lot like HOPE?  I was told I would never fully recover and my chances at any normal life were gone.  My whole 'bucket list' was trashed and burned.  One of my biggest heart's desires has always been to give back to others.  I had dreamed of writing a book, public speaking, starting a ministry, volunteering in the community, doing more mission work one day, and a few other things.  When I cried out one day 'BUT I'M NOT DONE, YET!', I never imagined that I would still get the opportunity to give back no matter how small my role may be.  That is hope to me.  I can HOPE and PRAY that I can bless someone....somewhere.....somehow.....no matter how tiny a contribution.

Hope can come in all shapes or sizes.  Hope doesn't have to be the ONLY desired outcome that you had anticipated.  I went back to confirm that with good 'ole Webster himself.  The definition never includes the word 'ONLY'.  It's just a hope that something desirable can or will happen, or something to look forward to.  Our dreams are not crushed because the final result won't be the exact image we had imagined.  I've recently been shown in several instances by old friends, some new friends, and family that there is HOPE.......it's not the 'happily ever after' I imagined it would be, but it will be HAPPY, after all!

So, what does HOPE look like for you?  Does it have to be the fairy tale, or can it be the story you were always meant to write?