Lots of emotions....

After dealing with so many things over the last few months, I'm finally coming a bit more down to earth.  We've had such a roller coaster of events and emotions this winter.  First, I was teased with several weeks of relief from pain and symptoms just to be thrown back into the worst spiral I'd ever experienced.  We had Christmas, family, and lots of action around the house.  Shortly after that, my husband had an accident and ended up having an emergency foot surgery and hasn't been able to walk since early Jan.  I then began to have life threatening changes in my heart and blood pressure and was taken to an autonomic clinic out of state for a reevaluation.  To say that this has been a difficult time for our entire family is quite an understatement.

I, personally, really haven't even had a chance to mentally process all that has happened.  I'm always concerned that when the whirlwind passes, that I will be left to deal with all the emotions that had to be suppressed just to survive.  I know that eventually, I will need to come to grips with the extreme disappointment of having my good days taken from me, yet again.  I will need to deal with the fear of coming face to face with 'the end'.  Relief and gratefulness will also flood my being, as I realize I get another shot at life.  Sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion, uncertainty, anxiousness, denial, discouragement, and faintheartedness will all try to rear their ugly heads.  This is a lot to take in all at once.  I'm sure the juggling of emotions will be no less than a circus act.  I know that it's very important to allow myself to have emotions.  After all, we were created to have emotions.  These emotions are what separates us from other species.  What will be my healthy balance?

If you've read any of my blog before, you know that I believe JOY is a choice.  However, suppressing these very real emotions could potentially cause me far more damage than allowing them to surface.  I've verbalized to my family my internal fear of allowing myself to let these very real emotions come into play.  As the last family member leaves this week, I believe it may just be very healthy for me to sit down and have a good cry.  Maybe I should allow the flood to take me off my 'always put together' feet, and let a few out of control moments be approved and allowed.  But, at the end of the day or week, I still get to choose which emotion gets to stay and which one will not be allowed to consume my thoughts.  I'm well aware of how powerful 'fear' can be if allowed to permeate thoughts on a daily basis.  I don't want to give it any permanent place in my life.  However, I was afraid.  I did have fear.......my family had fear....my husband had fear.....it was there wether I wanted it to be or not.  I want to meet it head on and try to take away some of it's potency.  I'm choosing to be very deliberate in my process.  I will not fall apart.  I will not let these emotions define me this winter.  Yes, I have many emotions, but they do NOT have me!  I'm not interested in wasting a whole lot of time meditating on all the loss when I've been given yet another chance to live today as my last.

I wonder how much time we've wasted giving too much time to our flood of emotions.  While it's very healthy to deal with emotion quickly and swiftly and allow it to have it's place, how much time was wasted not moving on and forward?  If JOY is truly a choice (which it is in my case), why are we spending so much time questioning what we cannot control?  I plan on spending some time processing all that has happened, but I don't plan on letting it define who I am or what I will be today or tomorrow.  You may not have recently had a life altering event, but is there a chance that you've allowed a powerful emotion rob you of an opportunity or a chance at joy?