My So-Called 'Bucket List' -----------Part 5 in the series

Part 5 in my series:  "What's it really like to be chronically ill at a young age?"

One of my favorite songs of all times, long before I became ill, was Tim McGraw's "Live like you are dying".  It was the only country song I'd ever had on my iPod.  In fact, I even knew all the words and would sing along (horribly out of tune) each time I would hear it blast on the radio.  As I have mentioned in many of my blog posts, I always did try to live my life with very few regrets.  I would like to believe I lived life to the absolute fullest even when I was healthy.  Of course, there were some missed opportunities, and a few days I would have liked to replay, but for the most part, I can look back and say, "I had and made a wonderful life".  I guess that is probably one of the reasons I enjoyed that song so much.  I often relished in it's reminder to try to live each week and each month as though I am not promised tomorrow.  Turns out-we are not promised a tomorrow!

In my young life, many of the things on my 'to do list' had meticulously been checked off one by one.  My biggest dreams, goals, and aspirations had been mostly accomplished at a very young age.  (I guess God knew what my future would or wouldn't hold)  There were still a few odds and ends that I had hoped to one day tackle.  I guess you could call it a bucket list.  My list was short and was mostly filled things that were small dreams.  The majority of all I had hoped and dreamed for had already come to fruition.  Those who knew me well, knew that being a wife, mother, and missionary had topped my list for many years and were my heart's true desires.  I guess I can say I was LIVING my bucket list!

I had married the man of my dreams and best friend.....I got the privilege of being the mother of 3 sweet children..........We took a lot of family trips..........I'd been to Mexico for almost 4 years teaching English and doing mission work........We had lived in many places all over the U.S........I had taught Spanish in a private high school and also to homeschoolers.......I had done some volunteer work with the elderly........I  learned to cook well and absolutely loved it.......taught myself to sew and started my own label.........homeschooled for a brief time......started and completed an Ebay business during my husband's residency......loved my job being a full-time wife and mother.........learned to play tennis in my mid 30's and had gotten into shape.......spoke 2 languages.........for just a few main highlights!

HOWEVER......after I became very sick, I was going through the few things in my mind that I had yet to accomplish, tackle, or do.  As I began to jot them down, disbelief set in.  Not ONE thing on that list could be finished!  My "SO-CALLED BUCKET LIST" had turned into my "you can never do any of this list'.  I remember calling out to God in the shower one day.....sobbing......as I pleaded......"I'm not done yet!....There was so much more I wanted to do, be, and see".  I remember that moment vividly.  It was a sobering one, to say the least.  As a matter of fact, a year later, I haven't quit crying out that phrase every few months.  Stubbornness runs in my family, and this gal has just not been able to quite come to terms with the fact that the final items won't be checked off that list.

I was encouraged by our family counselor to make a new list.  Come up with things that I CAN do and make a new bucket list.  Ok.........Let's see!  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!  Yep, same problem.  Everything I tried to come up with was a no go!  Just to name a few:
-travel (not even a chance in the world. I cannot fly, drive, or be a passenger without my legs on the dash and that doesn't work)  Our trip to Italy has been canceled 3 times now!  No romantic couple's resorts, no more cross country trips with the kids, no more seeing my hometown, and no visiting anyone!
-teach again  (too sick, too many unpredictable days, and I'm pretty sure teaching requires the teacher to remain conscious throughout the class)
-teach my children to cook like I do.  (tried it, and unless I was in the action, it was a no go!  Mom passed out each and every time)
-Renew my vows in a formal ceremony with my husband in a romantic way!  (pretty sure a reclining wheel chair is not quite what we had in mind)
-volunteer again (if I need assistance to get around, go to the restroom, and a driver the only volunteering is the person helping ME) :)
-Go on a family mission trip (obvious reason there)
-Show my children where I lived in Mexico (same)
-A few more private ones that I had kept in my heart of things I wanted to accomplish in life.
-Then the more sentimental ones:  be a grandmother, be the mother of the bride/groom, see my children graduate from high school-college, grow old with the man I adore, and others!

So, after a few weeks of throwing an internal temper tantrum, I got a chance to regroup.  I realized that my bucket list will not look like anyone else's list.  I guess it's not suppose to.  Mine had to be more meaningful than before, had to be much more deliberate in non-tangible treasures, and it belonged JUST TO ME!  I won't share my NEW bucket list with you, but I can tell you, I'm slowly checking off a few things every few months.  Some things I may not get the chance to finish, or even start for that matter.  But the list is one I believe I was destined to find.  It's one that no man could steal, no storm could destroy, and it's value cannot be measured.  My 'so-called bucket list' is very different that I had imagined all my life it would be in my later years.  But then again, so is my life.  I won't say I don't long and yearn for the old list.......because I do!  I always will.  However, this new list is one only I can fulfill-yet it's rewards are going to be seen and reaped by those that surround me.  I may pout and whine a little bit from time to time about the things I will not get to accomplish and all those endless limitations that come with living life from the bed.  However, I will also choose to be conscious of the things that I may have missed if I hadn't been the one who lives life from the bed.  I won't call it my silver lining, because, in all honesty...it sucks!......but I do know that my treasures are being stored up in a place where no thief will ever break through and steal.