UPDATE

Haven't been updating very much.  As a family, we've had a lot of things going on that are keeping us quite busy.  The weather in the midwest gave my children a 3 week Christmas break with an extra week off.  My precious husband had an accident with his foot and ended up having surgery in the middle of the night last week.  He's ok, but cannot stand or walk for quite a few weeks.  Since we only have him as our driver, my caregiver, and the sole helper to our children ......it's been a rough time for us all.  After my hospital trip before Christmas, I've been slowing declining in health again.

We had a lot of family in for the holidays, lots of activities, gifts, food, festivities, and all the joys that go along with Christmas break.  We are finally about to settle down as the kids will return to school on Monday.

We are currently having a tough time with all the changes.  We are in the thralls of making several important decisions about our family and medical decisions.  It's been a lot to keep a level head when things look difficult.  We are taking our time to make sure we are having wisdom and not letting desperation be our guide.  

My health is beginning to decline.  I've had some changes with my heart, my blood pressures, dizziness, breathing, and blood flow to my brain.  My doctors have told me that the heart is working just too hard to try to compensate for the lack of blood flow to the vital organs.  I will return to the doctor at the end of January to see if there is anything coming along the pipeline.  Meanwhile, we've changed my heart medication to see if that will provide some improvement.

I would be lying if I said this latest set back didn't faze me.  It's been very, very trying for me and for the family.  Having my family around me has helped keep my joy and focus on something besides the pain and the IMMENSE LIMITATIONS that I'm forced to bear.  I have allowed myself a few times to focus on all the things I cannot do with my family.  Having company for Christmas just reminded me of all I've lost and all I can longer do.  However, in the same moment, returning laughter to my daily schedule brought a break from those meditations.  We laughed and laughed and laughed!  Laughter is good medicine!

These are the days and weeks that are some of the harder ones and makes the challenge of 'choosing joy' a very much constant DELIBERATE decision.  My days are spent working with the internal struggle of where I will let my thoughts and mind wander.  As I lay in the bed today with my laptop propped up, I decided to put my thoughts into words.  My daughter climbed up in the bed next to me to watch the Disney version of Robin Hood.  How can I possibly sit in my own sorrow when I'm blessed beyond words to have the opportunity to spend some quality time with my baby girl on a snow day.  I do sometimes wallow in my own sorrow, but I can promise you....it's NEVER for long!  I think it's ok to be sad about all that is lost, but letting it consume me would then be wrong.

I guess I have some Robin Hood to watch now with some blueberry muffins she helped make with the dear lady who comes and helps us during the week.