Haunting Memories!

For those who suffer from some sort of debilitating chronic illness, the memories of yesteryear can be haunting.  The new life may have brought a plethora of limitations that make the old life seem like a candle in the wind.  Remembering, longing, and urning for what was lost can weigh heavily.  After all, it is a loss.  It might not be a tangible loss or a human loss, but it is a loss.

I've had to deal with this in several different levels over the past 4 years.  Before I became sick (4 years ago this month, actually) I had a very active, full, exciting life.  I exercised 6 days a week, played tennis several times a week, carpooled the kids, cooked elaborate dinners, volunteered, took care of 3 busy children, spent lots of time with my husband, designed and sewed my daughter's clothing, traveled, active in my church, kept the house, and so many other fun activities and responsibilities.

I became very sick, very quickly.  My sense of loss was not immediately devastating because I was too sick to care or sometimes even notice.  I was busy fighting and 'being sick'.  When you cannot even lift your own head off of the pillow, you really aren't focused on the fact that you can no longer cook a meal.  But when the dust settled, the great loss did set in!  And when it set in, it was devastating.  I remember feeling like the whole world around me had caved in, and I was left alone to try to come to terms with all that I had lost.

Learning to deal with the haunting memories of what life used to be has and will continue to be difficult.  I'm learning more tactics along the way.  Here are a few things I've tried to practice along the way, and maybe can provide others who suffer with new limitations or disabilities muddle through the storm.

1)  Cry, grieve, and let yourself be sad.......but don't stay there!  I remember a specific day when I realized all that I could not do.  I couldn't even sit in a chair, for goodness sakes!  I laid on the bed and just cried like a baby.  It was so good for my soul to let myself be upset, because I had guarded that part of myself.  After all, I've lost so much.  But after a few days of coming to grips with all that would never be again, I felt like I could move on!

2)  Focus on the new memories and the new way of life.  I've talked about how important this is before.  My new way of life is so different than the former life.  My focus has shifted, priorities rearranged, and my desires are renewed.  Before I could grab a racket and head out for a quick game of tennis to pass the time.  Now, I must be more creative, but keeping myself focused on what I can do...instead of what I no longer can do....will keep my head in the game.  So, what will I do today?  I decided to homeschool our youngest child over a year ago.  This was something I could do, and it shifted my focus off of the day filled with many limitations.

3)  Set new goals.  I don't know exactly how much function I will regain completely.  So, I set very small and attainable goals to work towards.  Sometimes I've had to go back and readjust them.  I had hoped to be walking 2 miles a day, but that's not in the cards for me (at least not now).  So, my new goal was to walk the 1 mile 4 days a week, instead of 3 days a week.  When that becomes easier, I can reevaluate.  I'm not going to be the same woman I was 4 years ago, but any little gain can bring about a renewed strength.

4)  Build up those healthy walls and boundaries.  Nothing can be more devastating to a mother than the thought of disappointing her family.  This makes the loss of abilities truly a nightmare.  This has been my personal biggest obstacle for tackling the haunting memories!  So, I put into a plan of action the crafty art of building walls and boundaries to protect my emotions, keep guilt at bay, and leave disappointment in the dust.  That doesn't sound good, but it is!  I KNOW what I can and cannot do anymore.  The guilt, pressure, expectations, and demands have to take a backseat.  I would continuously beat myself up if I didn't protect myself.  I have significant physical limitations.  I'm no longer the volunteer mom, the carpool queen, or the party guru!  I cannot live in the past.  How do I do this?  I am prepared mentally.  I do not put myself in these positions anymore.  I cannot be the mom who comes to the rescue for the class bake sale.  My family, kids, husband, and myself know that we must put boundaries, and it has made all the difference.  There is not constant disappointment on all our parts. We know I cannot....and that has made life more bearable.  It was so difficult waiting and watching and planning....just to see me too sick to do, be, go, become.  Of course, not everyone can appreciate your position or understand your illness, but this is for you!  Prepare others, let them know your limitations beforehand, have a wing-man, and leave the expectations at the door.

5)  Guilt no more!  Along with the memories of who you were.....comes that spoonful of guilt for not being who you were.  I think moms express this the most.  It goes along with number 4.  I wrestle with this one often , as a wife and as a mother, even on my best days.  Everyone remembers the 'old' you, too.  It's also their loss.  For me, I've lost so much of who I was, that the guilt can be overwhelming.  I've learned to talk about it openly.  I found sometimes, the guilt is something I've harnessed myself.  Just like grieving, you cannot live there.  The emotion isn't going to go away, but you don't have to wallow in it.  Shift that focus onto someone else....I have found it really hard to hold onto the guilt when I'm focused on making someone else's life happier.

6)  Remember with joy!  I'm choosing to be thankful for the years, the memories, and life I once had.  I was blessed, and I will remember all of those years with much joy.  As I share the stories, a tear or two might roll down my cheek, but with gratefulness I will remember them!

7)  Pray (or do whatever you do to feel connected with your maker).  I know these feelings are normal. There is a great longing to be who I was!  One of the easiest things for me to do is to just stop and pray.  I sometimes cannot handle the bundle of emotions that goes along with the memories.  After all, I did call the piece 'Haunting Memories' for a reason.  Just this week, I threw up my hands and simply said:  "God, please give the strength to move past this, and to remember what I'm living for today, and not living in the past."  Maybe just sing a song to turn mourning into dancing....just maybe not "Memories" by Barbara Streisand.

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning"