PART 2: So what's it really like to be chronically ill-LONELINESS

This is part 2 in my series of 'So, what's it really like to be so sick' when you are so young?

LONELINESS

I approach this subject delicately.  It's a very 'real' and vulnerable issue for the severely chronically ill.  For many people, it's one of the more difficult issues they have to deal with besides the daily reality of being sick. I feel blessed that this issue has not been my Achilles heel during most of my illness, however, it has plagued me sporadically throughout the last 2 and half years...and also quite recently, in fact.


Not every person who is chronically ill is home bound.  My personal situation has left me unable to leave the house unless I go to the doctor or for yet another medical procedure.  I also often cannot be around other people due to health reasons. I have a very unpredictable type of day.  Some days I may be too sick to lift my head off the pillow and talk, while others I am bubbly and full of 'life' from the bed.  This really makes things difficult for me in the loneliness area.  I cannot plan anything.  My intentions don't often get the memo to my body in time!  If I plan something, I'll probably have to cancel, anyway.  I quit trying!  Being 'sick' in front of other people is difficult, as well.  Imagine you have the flu...ya know, the really nasty stomach flu!  I can imagine you are probably not inviting a lot of people over to have a 'chat' during that time.  My life is a lot like that!  Talking on the phone also became a challenge for me due to breathing issues, headaches, nausea, pain, and diminished cognitive function all coming and going at different times.  I guess it would be safe to say....this makes socializing a CHALLENGE!

As a former...social butterfly....I have had to deal with this noticeable loss in my life.  The very sick weeks are easier to deal with this, because I am too sick to care or even be able to be around others.  However, the easier days or weeks can often magnify this need for human contact, intellectual stimulation, and adult conversation that I used to so crave.  Like others, who have become quite ill, we are also very different people than we once were before we became sick.  Our personalities have changed, our interests have changed, our temperaments and dispositions have changed, our priorities have changed, and our lives have radically changed.

 I have begun to try to tackle the loneliness issue privately.  No one really wants to admit that they are 'lonely', yet they don't want a visit.  I have a need, but it's one that no one can really meet.  I cannot do visits or outings so I must deal with this personally.  My creativity has had to really come into play.  The poor telemarketer who calls me on one of my 'good days'!!!!  As friends and acquaintances have fallen by the wayside, we are still left in this long cycle of chronic illness.  For some of us, this could potentially go on for year after year.  As someone who is sick, we don't make 'great friends' by the true definition.  We really can't 'give back' the way many people need or want in the mutual give & take relationship that is friendship.  That in itself, makes the long suffering of friendship an extremely rare quality.  When the 'newness' of our diagnosis has worn off for our 'friends, family, and associates', we are still stuck with the day in and day out toils of dealing with being sick....and often....with a long illness such as mine...left to deal alone.

For me, personally, I have been able to embrace a few people and family members who have helped with the extreme loneliness that I may experience from time to time.  I've even made a few 'new' friends in this journey.   Being homebound only magnifies the loneliness of chronic illness, but I can say, I have tried very, very hard not to let this overtake me.  Even starting this blog has helped connect in a new way.  When I began to lose some of my ability to communicate verbally due to breathing issues, I found this was such a wonderful outlet for me.  I even enjoy playing card games online with other people to keep up with some intellectual challenges.  While I don't enjoy talking on the phone much at all, I have managed to pin down my mother for long conversations on days I feel better.  Anyone dealing with a terminal illness is encouraged to talk with a counselor or psychologist to help 'deal' with the immanent.  While it was a new experience for me, I found it was refreshing to have a 3rd party involved who has no invested interest when needing to discuss medical options, transitions, or even loneliness.  Being open with my family and husband about what I'm going through internally has also been beneficial in allowing them to try to attempt to meet that need.

I only wonder how many times I passed up an opportunity to make a difference in someone's life who may have been dealing with sickness robbing them of their lives.  I do know I could have never related or even put myself in those shoes until now.  However, I have almost nothing to offer anyone else...but I can still give a smile to an unfriendly face...I can drop a note to an elderly shut-in...I can send a cookie in the mail to an old friend....I can finally compose that email to a person who made a difference in my life so many years ago......I can share an online deal or recipe....my options are still limitless!  It kind of steals our excuses for what's holding us back from being a blessing to someone----somewhere!