PART 4: FEAR- What's it really like to be chronically ill

This is part 4 in the series 'WHAT'S IT REALLY LIKE TO BE CHRONICALLY ILL?"

I've been writing piece by piece about the real side of chronic illness for a young woman whose life was turned upside down in a second.  This shows the more vulnerable side of being sick, as well as, a more intimate look into the life of a family who has to battle true illness each and every day.



FEAR:

  From the very first day someone gets the news of a potential, chronic illness, no matter to what severity it may be, I'm sure 'fear' is one of the very first emotions that plagues their being.  Fear comes in all different shapes and sizes.

-Fear of the unknown
-Fear of death
-Fear of the changes to come
-Fear of how this will change your family or your own life
-Fear of the worst case scenario
-Fear of not being strong enough to handle what may be on the horizon
-Fear of pain
-Fear of how you will pay for everything or continue to work
-Fear of the pending treatments, needles, medicines, tests
-Fear that every day will forever be different than you had planned

Fear is a very powerful emotion.  It's one that could potentially consume.  The day to day fear of the unknown, in itself, is enough to drive any sane person to the brink of insanity.  Introduce the fear of potential death, and I believe you have the perfect recipe for emotional disaster.  Fear is a very understandable and acceptable emotion in the face of chronic or even terminal illness.  You cannot deny yourself the reality of your situation or refuse to acknowledge the fear of the unknown.  However, with its tendency to over take, fear must not be allowed to permeate the thought process and decision making, or dominate your frame of mind.

Personally, I have been faced with the reality of pending death more than once in the last 12 months.  I can honestly say, I've had true fear come to fruition.  While 'facing death' is another topic I will write about at a later date, those few experiences not only helped shape my new perspective .....but also put fear back on the front burner, so to speak.  No matter how hard I had tried to push that dark, dismal emotion deep down in the abyss, it reared its ugly head once again.  I was virtually forced into dealing with my greatest 'fears'.

How do I deal with 'fear'?
As I've mentioned in past posts, I hate, loathe, and abhor the uncertainty of my chronic illness.  There is a fear of:  what the day may hold, what event I will miss, how much pain will today yield, if today I will be going back to the hospital, if my vital signs will plummet, if today is 'the day', if I will get worse, and yes, even the fear of getting a little better without knowing if it is permanent or not.  Fear, fear, fear!
First and foremost, I cannot let these thoughts consume me or become part of my daily thought process.  I conceived a rather 'silly' little trick about 2 years ago.  This 'silly' trick has sense become my saving grace in the face of fear!  I allow myself to crumble, break down, pray, plead with my God, or even fall to pieces ONLY and only during my shower time.  When the shower is over, I must then pick myself back up, modify my thoughts, and re-direct back to my purpose for the day.  Yes, I've allowed myself to have those emotions, but the pity party ends the second the water is turned off.  I've discovered that this gave me a chance to cry, be fearful, or even pout for a minute without letting it continue into a long drawn out process or become part of my essence.  Fear is real, but it has its place.  For me, that place is every few weeks during a nice luke-warm shower in my little old lady shower chair.

Christmas is the time of year that fear tries to creep into my daily thoughts more frequently.  This will be the third Christmas dealing with my illness.  Being my favorite time of the year, the possibility of going to the hospital over the holidays again or even WORSE......invades my holiday joy!  I am trying very hard this year, just like in years past, to not allow the clutches of fearfulness to have a place in my consciousness or rob me of any Christmas magic!  As a mother of 3, I don't want anything to ruin my children's holiday.  When things are so far beyond your control, fear can emerge unexpectedly.  For me, staying busy planning, wrapping, and internet shopping all from my bed has helped keep those unwelcome thoughts at bay.

How can any of this be applicable for someone who isn't dealing with fear of illness, pain, hospitalization, or even death?  Fear plays a part in everyone's lives.  I know the holidays can produce worry, which can easily turn into trepidation.  If many of your thoughts lead into the same fear over and over, and you begin to see a pattern of hesitation or worry, it may be time to displace those tendencies that lean towards fear.  Find YOUR 'shower time'.  And when that time is up, pull yourself up by your boot straps, put on your big girl-boy pants, release the power fear is taking over your life, and say:  "I'm going to be amazing today".  (no matter if it's only from the bed, the sofa, at work, with your children, with your spouse, in the kitchen, or during errands).    I will not fear, dread, or worry about which I cannot control.  I do feel those things, naturally, from time to time because it is real.  But hopefully, you....like me....will stand on the fact that we are not promised tomorrow, but we sure can be a 'Rock Star' TODAY!

So, please excuse this 'rock star' for now, because she has plans to wrap some gifts for her precious family and meditate on the blessings that I have HERE and NOW!