Something has been......different!

Don't know what is happening...and I will not allow myself to get too excited (yet again, just to be foiled).  However, something is happening inside of my body.  Over the last 6 weeks, I've been having a steady upward climb.  The first climb upwards IN ALMOST 3 YEARS......NO.....I'm not as good as I've been in 3 years, but the last 3 years have been a steady DECLINE...never, ever ascending.

I wrote a brief note about this unusual phenomenon a month ago.  As soon as I had typed the words, the pain returned, and I was quickly jolted back into my reality.  However, the decent came to a sudden holt, and I plateaued ...again...something that never happens in my world.

I contacted my doctor last week about the developments.  I was quickly reminded that while it may be wonderful to experience a brief relief, it will not be permanent.  As typical with many degenerative diseases, a patient can have signs and symptoms of improvement or even appear to be going into remission.  However, they are often short lived and not long lasting.  The conversation was followed up with an:  "I'm happy you have had some relief, but I'm very sorry, this will not be permanent.".

I know the reality of my situation, deep down....but something inside of me...still HOPES, still prays, still believes that this is NOT my life...and the horrible existence, pain, disability, and unbearable limitations of MY life are not mine forever.  I've fallen for this before only to be riddled with unbelievable disappointment.  My husband...more than myself....has been broken hearted to see that not only did I not improve, my condition declined after a spell of 'good days'.  At some point you must have some 'acceptance' of your circumstances or you will literally go crazy each and every day!

I haven't been this mobile since July of 2012.  I would say it's a Christmas miracle.  I'm using my new found freedom to make a little extra Christmas cash by selling the kids toys and clothes online and a few things I am unable to enjoy anymore due to my declining health...but I still cannot part with the sewing machines and tennis skirts!!!!!

How have I improved?

1)  The most important improvement is the change in my constant pain.  As I've mentioned before, I've been in a constant state of pain almost 24-7 for more than 1 1/2 years now.  (and intermittent the year and half before that).  Just the slightest removal of this internal pain can allow me to not only get my head off the pillow, think clearly, have energy, but only be limited by my inability to move about.

2)  My stand time hasn't changed, but my walk-around time has gone up.  I cannot stand in one place, but I can move around a lot more freely.  I can get own water, throw in a load of laundry, get on the floor for a bit, and even help the kids get ready for school.  Before I realized what was happening, I had been 'walking around' for 10-15 minutes.  Yes, I did have to PAY the piper for that time up and spend time recuperating for a few hours...but worth every second.  I will be up and about...then need hours to let my heart and blood flow readjust.  It's literally worth every second!!!!!!  I'm controlling my pain..instead of it controlling ME!

3)  My appetite has returned WITH A FURRY!  We will leave it at that!

4)  My blood pressures and heart rates are leveling off.  They are still swinging, but not to the extremes that has led to the intense pain I experience.  My special type of pacemaker isn't going off as often, either.

5)  I have been able to get out of the house!!!!!!!!!! THE BIGGEST AND BEST side effect of this little  bright spot.  I usually feel too ill to even consider leaving the house.  It's still a huge hassle with my special chair and having to keep my legs on the dash and up at all times...but it has been wonderful.  I must say, though, since 2 years ago when I was out and about, holiday shoppers haven't exactly 'grown in kindness'.  :)

6)  I can breath much better which allows me to talk more freely.  (poor David!)  This has made the intense headaches lesson, the dizziness is somewhat better, and the concentration seems sharper.

Yes, with any change...wether good or bad....there comes a new kind of anxiousness or fear, if you will.  I have played this game before.  I know it can all go away any second.  I know that amidst my pile of clothes, unwrapped gifts, or picture taking that it can vanish just as it has each and every time before.  This is one of my most difficult 'fears', as I've described before.  Every activity is coupled with the nervousness that I won't finish it or that tomorrow will be back to the normal 'Melanie'.  I spent some time yesterday just making sure I was being consciously GRATEFUL...nothing else....nothing more....just grateful.  Let me tell you first hand, it's so much harder than it sounds when you know it will end any second.  I meditated on somethings that I knew would allow me to just ENJOY!  Wow, I wonder if we did that in other areas of our lives, if we could walk in a true joy that is unlike any fabricated type of contentment.  Good food for thought, especially during the buying-giving-accumulating time of year!